Bliss

This February marked the anniversary of the flight that began what I now refer to as our Four Years in the Wilderness. In reminiscing with a dear friend recently, I admitted that, had I known all I would face in leaving my marriage and my adopted hometown, I fear I would not have had the strength to act. Her surprise was perhaps testament to how far we have traveled.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I knew that it was over, and that I had to set a good example for my kids and nurture the Celtic Warrior Princess, and that I would rise above and be strong. I thought it would be sad for a while and then we’d enjoy smooth sailing.

I didn’t know that the divorce would become a psychotic, take-no-prisoners version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. I had no inkling of the sheer complexity of the legal and financial wrangling involved, or of the financial and emotional toll it would take. I was oblivious to the near-impossibility of forming a support network in a new location without the anchors of work, school, or a suburban neighborhood. I didn’t foresee the complete fracturing of our family and the many collateral estrangements that resulted. And call me crazy, but the unremitting responsibility and isolation and sometimes, terror, of solo parenting never crossed my mind.

Here’s where we question my cognitive abilities, my emotional intelligence, my near-fatal optimism. Those musings could fill a book (and maybe some day will), but for now I prefer to recall the old saw that God protects fools and babies. The person I was, informed of any of those obstacles, would not have had the fortitude to make a change. The person I am now is intensely grateful in the knowledge that things unfolded exactly as they needed to.

Because four years later, life is so damn good. I have learned the joy of being at peace and living in the present. My growing self-love and compassion allowed me to walk away when red flags of toxicity emerged in a fledgling relationship recently. They also allow me to unabashedly savor unconditional male admiration and affection. I relish an unbreakable bond with my daughter, who has blossomed into the most incredible young adult. We are happily ensconced in our beautiful little mermaid cottage; a house that we have carefully made a home.

I will probably always marvel at my blind leap into the unknown. And then I will thank myself, and the universe. Ignorance can be bliss.