Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. I’ve shared previously that I’ve always struggled with the holidays to some extent. As the estrangements have added up for me, I find the day’s emphasis on family togetherness a bit tough, but I love the part about giving thanks. For me, Thanksgiving is the perfect day to reflect on gratitude, one of the major rewards of what I refer to (tongue only partly in cheek) as my resurrection.

I grew up surrounded by complaint and dissatisfaction, and I was a quick study. The glass was always half full, or maybe the full glass was going to spill soon. If something unquestionably good did happen, it was a simple matter of entitlement: no thanks were due. This mindset was no doubt reinforced by the predominance of striving inherent in our American dream. Rather than entertaining the concept of enough, we reach a goal only to then chase after the next thing or achievement we’re convinced will make us happy. This concentration on what we lack rather than on what we already have is antithetical to gratitude.

In recent years, there’s been no shortage of references to gratitude in popular culture. And while I understood the concept intellectually, it took a long time to get it viscerally. It took several years to learn that I needed to practice gratitude before I could experience true feelings of gratitude. It’s been more than worth the wait.

I actually started making a daily gratitude list long before I woke up. These were the days when I strictly adhered to the dictates of the expert of the moment, and I was sleepwalking, so I would mostly list superficial items, things I knew I should be grateful for, before I went to sleep. It’s no surprise that these efforts were ineffective and frequently abandoned.

Ironically, it was at my lowest point that I began a daily gratitude practice in earnest. I decided that there is always something to be grateful for and let that guide me. I began with gratitude that things weren’t worse. I might have been gagging on the daily shit sandwiches the Universe seemed intent on delivering, but I was grateful for every reprieve: my child did not require surgery, my ex did not prevail in his attempt to be awarded alimony, my dad was going to be okay.

As time went on, I included the external circumstances of my life. I was grateful for my physical safety, my living space, my health, and my financial security. Next came less tangible but equally important blessings: my growing understanding of and closeness to my daughter, my writing, developing new, healthy relationships, the courage to seize a second chance. And of course there were one-of-a-kind positive events: a windfall, a reconnection with a childhood friend, the purchase of my mermaid cottage.

One day I realized that I was noticing so many more things that made me feel grateful. My gratitude list (these days mentally recited at bedtime, with the highlights archived in my morning journaling) was now overflowing with what I’ve found are actually the most important items: those small, seemingly unremarkable events that sneak joy into a day. An amazing sunrise, a kind word from a stranger, a creative solution to a problem. This is when I began to understand the truism that gratitude is not a result of happiness but happiness is a result of gratitude.

Just for fun, here’s a random sampling from my archives:

The sun’s reflection on the pool after my morning swim

The habit the CWP and I have of saying exactly the same thing at exactly the same time and how it makes us laugh

The comfortable new couch where we spend many evenings together

The quiet when I’m the only one up in the morning

A perfect cup of coffee

A kiss from my dog

A walk on the beach

A fabulous meal cooked at home

Making my lover belly laugh

Seeing an armadillo scurrying along the railroad tracks

The list is truly endless. Because the thing about gratitude is that it’s self-perpetuating. The more diligently I searched for things to be grateful for, the more things I found. Until one day I realized that gratitude had become seamlessly woven into my life; that I would feel it washing over me, even in times of trouble. I started actually feeling the abundance of my life. Another thing for which I am profoundly grateful.

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Let’s talk! Do you have a gratitude practice? What does it look like? What are you grateful for?