Hidden Gifts

If you've been reading, you know that gratitude has become a cornerstone of my days and my unceasing paean to the Universe. Ironically, what I delicately refer to as the shit sandwiches of my life’s buffet have ultimately engendered as much, if not more, gratitude than the highlights and simple joys of my new life. Because, without exception, each of those nadirs has proved in retrospect to be an incredible gift. And not in my former Pollyanna, look-on-the-bright-side, it-could-always-be-worse way; they’re legitimate gifts that changed the direction of my life and led me to far better places than I was ever capable of imagining.

These unexpected gifts all sound like a big plate of “no thank you” at first glance. Time and perspective, and yes, gratitude, have made a world of difference. Just a few of these gifts follow:

A traumatic childhood. Would I have preferred a Leave It to Beaver upbringing? Of course. But a calmer, kinder, saner childhood would likely not have resulted in some of the traits that form the foundation of my personality and figure prominently in my current happiness. I wouldn’t have needed to escape into other realms, both real and fictional, and my love of words and knowledge, of stories and books, might never have blossomed. Without my deep sense of alienation and conviction that there must be a better place for me, I can’t imagine I’d have developed the curiosity and wanderlust that still drive me today. And years of surviving, of hanging on and hoping for better, are responsible for the determination (also known as stubbornness) that allowed me to persevere in the face of fear and that continues to serve me well. The fabulous part is that as I healed, these gifts gradually transmuted from desperate, protective consolation prizes to joyful means of further enhancing a happy life.

Frustrated Plans/Dreams. We’ve all had the experience of things not working out exactly as we’d hoped. For years, I watched as many of my plans were derailed despite my best efforts. I felt alternately demoralized and furious.

When she became disabled almost overnight, the dreams my daughter and I had for her life evaporated one by one. At the time, it was extremely painful, yet now we see the gifts: her inability to attend high school (never mind the prestigious private school she’d worked so hard to gain admission to) ultimately led to her redefining success and forging her own path. Countless hours of involuntary solitude resulted in her exponential growth as an artist, musician, writer, and photographer. Hands down the greatest gift of her illness has been the deep and abiding bond we’ve forged as a result of working to understand and support each other while weathering the storms.

My path to finding a new home after my marriage ended was littered with disappointments that would ultimately prove to be victories. My inability to find a temporary apartment in the town where my parents had been wintering for decades led me to the artsy village by the sea that was a much better fit for us. And two separate eleventh hour setbacks caused by local divorce laws and the terms of our eventual settlement agreement prevented me from buying a house in my parents’ town, which surely saved me from isolation and depression, not to mention incalculable family hassles. All of this led to something better than I’d allowed myself to hope for: the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood of the town I’d come to love. It still makes my heart sing six years later.

Others’ Bad Behavior. A people pleaser who fears abandonment above all else, whether they’re conscious of it or not, will endure an astonishing array of behavior that a healthier person would not consider entertaining for a moment. Only the most egregious behavior will register (and how to respond is a separate, problematic issue). So I am now profoundly grateful for the vicious attack that woke me up and ended my marriage. It set me on an arduous path whose reward was my resurrection. I’m grateful that, after I’d ignored little drips of misogyny and condescension, the next man in my life chose to assuage his insecurity by going for the jugular. I’m grateful for several instances of over-the-top disrespect followed by gaslighting that allowed me to finally accept that my family was not a healthy harbor for me. Bewildering and painful at first, I have finally accepted it as an express lane to peace and my continued healing.

These are my favorites among the gifts that the Universe, the savviest of shoppers, earmarked for me. Just like those perfect gifts we receive from those few who really see and love us, they are cherished treasures that both anchor and set me free.

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Thanks for reading! Care to share any difficult, even devastating, events in your life that you now count as blessings?