My Body, My Self

You’d think someone who reads as incessantly as I always have would have figured out that the mind-body connection is a real thing much sooner. Instead, I treated my body as if it were a giant meat sack that had absolutely nothing to do with the incessantly churning brain that it just happened to be tasked with lugging around. I’ve had Louise Hay’s Heal Your Body forever. It lists just about every ailment known to man and its psychological cause, but I saw it as more of an amusing party trick on the order of palm reading or tarot (and I almost always scoffed at the result when it came to myself). I read The Body Keeps the Score when it came out ten years ago. It all made sense intellectually, but it’s only very recently that it started to resonate even a little in my everyday experience. Once it did, I began to realize that, in terms of healing, it’s taking my body a while to catch up with my mind, and that total integration might take a more concentrated effort.

As I began to heal from a lifetime of distress and sorrow, it was fairly easy to see how the emotions I had suppressed manifested in my body. There were the migraines (happy to report I haven’t had one in almost ten years), the muscle aches, the colds and flus, the sudden weird illnesses that forced a much-needed break when I’d been refusing to take one. The slouched posture as if the weight of the world were on my shoulders. The jaw tightened to hold in words or tears.

It took much longer for me to see that my reactions to trauma, perhaps because I seldom if ever felt free to express them, were still trapped in my body and were often reactivated unconsciously. As far as I can tell, most of these are based in fear or anger. I still can’t hear a raised voice without instantly going into flight mode (racing heart, labored breathing), then short-circuiting and freezing. I still can’t make a minor physical mistake like dropping or breaking something without becoming irrationally angry. And underneath all that fear and anger is an ocean of sorrow whose tide rises periodically.

As with anything, the first step toward change is awareness. Although my reflex reaction is still avoidance, after lots of therapy and an epic struggle I’ve become fairly adept at recognizing and sitting with my feelings (something that was previously as foreign to me as advanced mathematics). Part of that is recognizing where my feelings originate in my body. So now I know that when my throat is sore or my chest is tight, I’m sad. Or when my heart is racing or my stomach is fluttering, I’m anxious or scared. Pretty simple unless you’ve spent a lifetime running from that knowledge. I imagine it’ll be a while before this is second nature (if that’s even possible).

Now I’m ready to go beyond the unquestionably lifesaving benefits of modalities like meditation and mindfulness in an effort to clear out all of the old energy that’s been stored in my body (sort of the final frontier of decluttering, if you will). My (admittedly unscientific) theory is that it took at least sixty years for this stuff to build up, so exorcising it will take more than brainpower or a hard work out. Which means I’m open to learning about and trying almost anything (with the exception of mind-altering drugs, which I fear in my case would be akin to pouring gasoline on a fire).

Here are some things I’ve dipped my toes in already, either because I was curious or because they just felt good. Now, with my growing understanding that my body is inextricably linked to my mind, I’m ready to embrace them with more intention:

Reiki. Basically a “laying on (or near) of hands” by a trained practitioner meant to channel your energy. I’ve had mixed experiences (from feeling nothing to feeling a marked tingling or warmth) but a profound sense of relaxation every time.

Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique). This involves tapping on specific meridian points of the body while focusing on a negative emotion or issue with the intent of transforming it. I’ve started following The Tapping Solution on Instagram and find it a great source of information. I can’t say for sure that the technique works, but I feel like just making the effort redirects my mind, so it can’t hurt.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This is supposed to reduce the intensity of traumatic memories by processing them while undergoing bilateral stimulation (usually with eye movements). I did this a couple of times when I was in therapy, and it seems to have helped a bit.

Breathwork. Yoga was my first introduction to using my breath to positively affect my body. There are endless variations of breathing techniques to change your physical state, and they’re all simple, free, and portable.

Massage and acupuncture. For decades, massage was my favorite splurge. About ten years ago, I recategorized it as a necessity, and I’m convinced that it’s what prevented the prolonged stress I experienced from resulting in a major health issue. I’ve tried acupuncture several times, and while it may not always feel good in the moment, I did have some positive results.

Binaural beats. The idea as I understand it is that two slightly different tones played at the same time cause your brain to perceive a third tone that interacts with your brainwaves. All I know for sure is that I’m a zealous convert. Almost two years ago I incorporated this into my morning meditation (there are a number of options—I use Neowake on Youtube and love the video as well as the audio) and it’s been a game changer in focusing that monkey mind. Even the crazy dog settles right down.

I guess my major takeaway from all of these modalities is that none of them hurt, and some of them may have helped, so why not?

Here are some things I want to learn more about:

Somatic Experiencing (SE). My understanding is that this involves increased body awareness and release of stored trauma through gentle movements.

Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). Specific exercises that are designed to release stored tension and stress.

I think I’m finally over approaching healing as a life-or-death, super serious, never-ending project necessary to “fix” myself, as I did for a number of years. These days I’m thinking more in terms of growth, and I hope that I’ll always remain curious and open to new ways to enhance my life. Seems like nurturing the connection between my busy brain and the body it’s been mostly ignoring is a good place to start.

***

Thanks for reading. Anything you’ve tried that you’d recommend? Anything you’d like to learn more about?