Opening Up

This week the CWP is off doing her thing and I’m treating myself to a glorious staycation. Lots of rest and reflection, good food, books, and movies. The heaviness of the last month or so seems to be lifting and my optimism and focus are returning. In quiet contemplation, I decided to look back, briefly, before looking forward as I tend to do at year’s end. In doing so, I realized that this year, my ninth post-apocalyptic year, despite being unremarkable on the surface, has been a major turning point in my life. And I can’t help feeling it’s a harbinger of continued positive change.

This is the year that so much hard work paid off. That the way I live became unrecognizable from the way I used to live. That I really loved myself and my life. I’ll share the major differences:

-I consistently put myself first, both in relationship with others and in taking care of myself physically and mentally. This is revolutionary for a former world class people pleaser.

-I stopped apologizing and explaining myself. I got comfortable with people being disappointed or not understanding me. If you’ve never been ruled by a fear of abandonment (or if you still are), you can’t imagine the energy this frees up and the peace it bestows.

-I noticed a remarkable decline in the symptoms of my PTSD. It’s much easier to identify and actually feel my feelings and to self-soothe in constructive ways. It’s subtle, but overall I feel lighter, looser, more creative, and more focused.

-I got braver. I put my writing out there, I gave up my human training wheels, and I resumed traveling after a long hiatus.

These changes are a function of healing that I believe were aided by my adoption of this year’s mantra. For new readers, this year was the first time I adopted a mantra to guide my days rather than making resolutions at the beginning of the year. “Step It Up” became my gentle reminder to push the envelope a bit; to make that little extra effort that might inch me closer to a goal. With a handmade reminder posted on my bathroom mirror and a host of minor successes to build on, it feels like it’s now become second nature to look for and implement small adjustments that are leading me to a life that’s fulfilling beyond my wildest dreams.

As a new year approaches, I’ve been giving some thought to a new mantra. And as these things often do, the perfect one (for me) appeared out of nowhere as a distinct voice.

Open Up

And that’s just what I need to do. Open up my heart. Forgive myself and others. Connect. Open up my mind. Be curious. “Fill the well” by experiencing art, travel, nature. Check out other points of view. Open up my soul. Continue exploring meditation and other spiritual practices. Give back to the world. Open up to change; to widening my horizons. Stay brave.

In pondering this new mantra, I realized that when I have been (uncharacteristically) daring enough to open up, it’s often paid great dividends. So to encourage myself on the coming year’s journey, I made a list of some of the things I’d have missed if I hadn’t taken a chance and opened up.

Things like:

A cherished, years-long, joyful relationship with someone I was ready to dismiss as “not my type”.

An understanding and admiration of the creativity and strength of the drag community.

Performing a monologue in front of a theater full of people and getting big laughs.

Learning that I’m a badass long distance driver.

Discovering that bats are adorable and extremely interesting.

Living in the perfect house for me in the perfect neighborhood for me.

Having my work adapted by a local playwright.

Learning about chakras and crystals and all manner of things I previously considered woo-woo.

Passing many relaxing hours expressing myself with visual arts and crafts.

With acknowledgment of and gratitude for these past successes and a new reminder on the bathroom mirror, I’m confident that I’ll have more miracles to report on as the year unfolds.

Wishing you peace and dreams fulfilled in the New Year and always. I’m thrilled to be your living proof that it’s never too late.

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Let’s talk! My favorite antidote to feeling resistance to taking a chance is asking myself what’s the worst that could happen? Or, if I’m feeling especially positive, what if it works out?

Do you make resolutions for the New Year? Or do something else? Care to share?