Please Wait

This week I feel compelled to issue a Public Service Announcement (PSA) to young women in their twenties and thirties who are eager to enter into heterosexual marriage. At the risk of sounding like a bitter old crone, I’ve been astounded lately by the number of women in this age group who are, in these supposedly more liberated but arguably unsure times, still champing at the bit to check off this life milestone. Young women I’ve encountered in real life or whose stories I’ve been told. My dismay and agitation at these anecdotes makes it hard to know where to begin.

I’ll start by saying that, despite my own history, I find the desire to build a life and raise children with a partner a fundamental drive and a worthy goal. It’s  locking that down, at any cost, in order to “get started” or “not be left behind” that becomes problematic. It seems that even before our current administration’s mandate to return to the 1950s, the patriarchal notion that finding a man is the ultimate goal has barely faded. How many young men do you know that are upset about not being married? That are afraid they’re going to miss out? Why are so many of us still viewing marriage as the end goal, the destination, where we’ve achieved all that we need to in order to live happily ever after? When it’s actually the beginning of a very long road, one that a poor choice can make hazardous or even deadly.

In my experience, when a woman is driven by the belief, unconscious or otherwise, that she needs a man to complete her and/or that creating a conventional family is the only way to validate her existence, she is extremely likely to run into one of two major problems. The first is a failure to acknowledge reality which, take my word for it, leads to untold misery. Whether it’s rationalizing bad behavior, overlooking a basic lack of alignment, or hoping that he’ll change once you’re married, this rarely turns out well. If you’re sad now, unsure, or get the occasional ick, rest assured that it’s just going to intensify.

The second problem with viewing marriage as the prize is that, even with your eyes wide open and a partner who is basically honest, rushing toward the finish line will not provide the opportunity for you to gather enough pertinent information. You can’t really know someone until the honeymoon phase is over and you walk through several seasons of real life with them. Which is why I’d implore you to please wait.

Wait until you’ve seen how he acts around your family.

Note how your family feels about him.

Wait until you see how he acts around his family.

Listen to how he talks about his exes. And his mother.

Observe how he treats people other than you. Especially people who can’t do anything for him.

Wait until you’ve seen how he acts with your friends.

Ask your friends how they feel about him and just listen.

Check out his friends.

Observe how he acts when he's disappointed or something doesn’t go his way.

Wait until you’ve spent at least one round of birthdays and holidays with him.

Check out his work ethic.

Make sure you’re on the same page about money, sex, religion, children and anything else that’s of major importance to you.

If you’re wanting children, observe him around a fussy baby or an annoying toddler.

Watch his actions, because they will always speak louder than his words.

Wait until you’re absolutely certain (not convincing yourself) that he enhances your life.

And yes, there are cases where a man is intentionally dishonest and will tell you what you want to hear. This is just another reason to wait—time will almost always reveal the truth if you pay close attention.

The abundance of alternatives to rushing into marriage these days (notwithstanding governmental attempts to limit these alternatives) makes the discovery that this is still happening particularly bewildering to me. And, as someone who is still “repenting at leisure”, alarming. Which is why I beg of you ladies, please wait.

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Thanks for reading.

GOOD THINGS.

A deep tissue massage. Just what the doctor ordered for my wonky back after travel and a return to Pilates. So relaxing that at least one snore escaped me.

A visit to my favorite person. My dog whisperer, who’s been away all summer, is currently caring for three insane poodles (one of which is huge and three-legged). An afternoon spent catching up over grilled cheese and key lime pie amidst chaotic hilarity was memorable.