Profiles in Candor

In chatting with a friend recently, I revealed that I’d ended a relationship. When she asked if I’d now be dating, I laughed. Sort of in disbelief. (Rude, I know. I’m a work in progress.) Once I took a breath, I explained that although I’m open, I’m not looking (based mainly on my conviction that he odds of enjoying myself are slimmer than those of winning the lottery). Talk turned to meeting people online (which in my experience is most often suggested by those who “know someone” for whom it is working out beautifully, but who themselves have been partnered for years), in which I’m adamantly uninterested. The prevalence of “Tinder Swindlers” aside, I have always been averse to marketing myself. To men in particular.

Our discussion did lead to an amusing afternoon in which I imagined what my online profile might look like in the unlikely event (barring a lobotomy or a personality transplant) I could be convinced to join the herd.

About Me

Joyfully divorced for over seven years

Unpublished but productive writer

A “mature adult” who is mentally young (due in large part to growing up later in life)

A fan of simplicity, exploration, and radical honesty

I talk with my hands and/or revert to a Boston accent when I’m excited

What I’m Not Looking For

Why not put the deal breakers right up front?

Sex. Here’s where we separate the readers from the skimmers, because I love good sex. And I don’t believe that I have to be in a committed relationship to enjoy the hell out of it. But I do have to like and trust you enough to be able to get funky with you, which means we’re going to have to chat a bit. And there’s no chance I’ll succumb in desperation; I can guarantee I’ll choose my vibrator over your “charms” every time.

A Savior. I’m not looking for social, emotional, or financial rescue. Nor am I looking for the supposed legitimacy that our culture seems to believe having a man in my life will provide.

Unpaid Employment. Been there; done that. I’m not going to get joy or fulfillment from doing for you. If you wouldn’t do it for me, don’t imagine I’d want to do it for you.

A Conjoined Twin. I find joy in the connections I’ve forged with others, and I find equal joy in solitude. If you can’t ever be alone, don’t have your own interests, or you think being in a relationship means being joined at the hip and your feelings will be hurt when I occasionally choose my own company over yours, keep swiping. Ditto if you’re looking for a roommate.

Another Child. I raised my children and I have zero interest in raising you. Or providing for you. If you’re not taking responsibility for your side of the street, don’t bother venturing onto mine.

A Client. I’ve worked hard on my personal growth and improving my mental health. If you know you need a therapist, find one. And if you need one and don’t know, I’ll be happy to illuminate you.

What I Am Looking For

While my standards are high, I’ve learned over the years that my expectations are actually reasonably low.

Transparency. If you’ve read this far, you’ve likely gathered that I have absolutely zero interest in playing games or mincing words. Given that it’s the cornerstone of my interactions with others, it bears repeating. I don’t expect you to bare your soul until we know each other; I do expect you to be truthful.

Laughter. It’s taken years of hard work, but I no longer take myself too seriously. If you can’t laugh at yourself and the vicissitudes of life, we’re not going to hit it off. Bonus points if your wit is quick and your humor is on the absurd (but never unkind) side.

A Grownup. I’m not talking about a responsible adult. I’m talking about someone who is self-aware enough to take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and to let me take responsibility for mine. Or to at least strive to do so. Because the guy I can imagine spending time with is the one that knows that it’s a journey rather than a destination.

While I was editing this post, the Universe, as it seems to be doing more often lately, winked at me. During this week’s trip to the library, my scan of the new non-fiction section revealed Gray Love: Stories About Dating and New Relationships After 60. I’m only halfway through, but so much food for thought (and potential future posts). Why do we as a culture unquestioningly accept things just because they are “the norm”? (Yet another post.) In addition to the whole “pick me” culture of online dating, I was floored by the blithe acceptance of bait and switch photographs, resume padding, and outright lying. And to learn that people actually pay for this.

An older gentleman, despite ultimately finding a long-term partner online, articulated my impression of the whole endeavor and the reason I will die on this hill:

“Online dating is populated by the emotionally hungry and is a haven for fantasists”.

Hard pass.

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Let’s talk. Those of you who are currently unpartnered, what’s your position on dating in general? Online dating? What would your profile say? Those of you with partners, is there something about your relationship you’d like to change? If you were starting over, what would your profile say?