Run, Don't Walk

I’ve previously promised more content on all aspects of narcissism and narcissistic abuse, and although these posts differ greatly from my usual irreverent musings and lighthearted sass (and are a lot less fun to write), I am committed to following through. I’m driven by the hope that even one person might be helped by the information I share.

This is especially important in a dynamic where one’s cognitive abilities have suffered over time as a result of being systematically brainwashed. So today’s post is for anyone who has wondered if their partner is a narcissist, anyone who is concerned about the situation of someone they love, anyone who would like to avoid such an unfortunate entanglement, and anyone who is simply curious.

And now for my usual reminder: we’re not talking about someone who is merely vain or self-absorbed; we’re talking about a person with narcissistic personality disorder.

The $64,000 question, from outsiders and survivors alike, seems to be

              Why did you stay so long?

Although there are varied and valid answers to that question, I think a more salient question is

              Did you not see the red flags?

The answer to that question is generally no. A narcissist presents their false self in the initial love bombing phase before they knock you off the pedestal they’ve placed you on once you’re securely hooked. Before long, you’re so anxiously focused on what you can do to become worthy enough to win back the love they professed that you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground (miss you, Dad).

Because you’re not seeing the big picture, a better question to ask is

              What are some lesser known signs that my partner is a narcissist?

There are some “tells” that aren’t included in diagnostic lists but are very common when dealing with a clinically narcissistic partner. The fact that you’ve experienced any of the following once does not necessarily mean your partner is a narcissist, but if you’ve experienced several of them, or you experience any of them regularly, I may have bad news for you.

The tells

A special occasion or trip was marred or ruined by your partner’s meltdown.

In public, they wander off or walk ahead of you.

Your partner doesn’t like any of your family or close friends (although they may charm them when they’re together).

They denigrate or embarrass you in a group setting when a positive spotlight is on you.

Your partner becomes passive-aggressive (or actively angry) and unhelpful when you’re ill.

They respond to a request for help with annoyance or refusal.

Your partner becomes jealous when you pay attention to someone else. Even, sometimes especially, your children.

They make unfounded accusations (which you may later discover are confessions).

Your partner shuts down discussion of how their behavior was hurtful or inappropriate with some version of the following: “You’re too sensitive.” “You need to learn to take a joke.” “You misunderstood me.” “I never said/did that.” “You’re crazy.” More advanced manipulators may be a bit more subtle: “Are you okay? You seem to be itching for a fight lately.” “I’m worried about you. You’re so defensive and angry.”

They employ the silent treatment, refusing to speak or even acknowledge your presence, when they are displeased with you.

Your partner refuses to apologize, even when asked.

 They have weaponized sensitive information you’ve shared with them in order to shame or hurt you.

Your purchases, even when limited to the care and feeding of the family, are frivolous and extravagant, while your partner’s, often discretionary, are always justified.

Their money is their money; your money is “our” money.

Your partner either refuses or demands sex in direct opposition to your stated desires.

They cancel plans that they made and got you enthused about.

Your partner undermines your authority with your children or makes a game of encouraging them to disrespect you.

They exhibit more empathy and affection for a pet than they do for you.

Your partner promises a lot and rarely delivers.

They are extremely secretive while demanding total transparency from you.

Of course, if you’re just getting to know someone, it’s going to be a comparative breeze to abandon ship. This is where the “run, don’t walk” admonition applies. If you’re entrenched in a relationship, especially one with children, extricating yourself will be much more difficult and involve a number of considerations. Awareness and resolve are the first two steps. Before proceeding further, I highly recommend gathering support and expert advice in order to make a careful plan.

And for those of you who are worried about someone you love? Gently share your concerns with them. Ask probing questions, and firmly but lovingly deflect their rationalizations. They’ve been isolated intentionally in order to preclude such intervention, so chances are they have no clue what’s happening to them. Yes, it’s awkward and difficult and may feel like overstepping, but it’s so important. You just might save a life.

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I welcome any and all requests for more information and/or resources.