Unmerited Favor

Sleepwalking through most of my life in survival mode, I felt absolutely no connection to or curiosity about religious or spiritual concepts. It’s pretty difficult to be inquisitive when you’re shut down and disconnected, parading around with your mask and armor on. But after waking up and crawling out of the hole I’d been hiding in, the wonder I’d missed out on began to slowly emerge. Now instead of ruminating about all manner of dysfunction, I find myself pondering more abstract topics (at least when I’m not wondering about the flavor of the day at the frozen custard place down the street). Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about grace.

Over the past year or so, I’ve had several minor transformative experiences that are not wholly (or even partially) explained by my efforts alone. Experiences where a strong feeling of peace and deep gratitude for what I can only assume is divine assistance washes over me. Each time I’ve been awed and thought to myself “this is grace”. Immediately followed by “Wait, what? Is it? What does that even mean?”

After the third or fourth iteration of this, my question led me to my trusted dictionary, where I found the following definition of grace:

“the free and unmerited favor of God [added by me: define that as you will], as manifested in the salvation of sinners [me again: define as you will] and the bestowal of blessings”.

So, my instincts were correct. Especially about the bestowal of blessings part. And I love the “free and unmerited favor” part, something I felt but was unable to articulate.

When I sat down to write after weeks of mild depression and unproductivity and suddenly found myself brimming with ideas and effortlessly in flow, that was grace.

When I found just the right words, on the fly, to encourage and inspire a friend in need, that was grace.

For me, the blessings associated with grace are intangible and yet so much richer than simple good fortune. I think my definition would include an element of alignment with humanity.

And then there is the “salvation of sinners” part of the definition. Which led to the revelation that I’d been experiencing grace for quite some time.

My summoning of the courage to start my life over so late in the game was surely grace.

My acceptance of my role in all of the dysfunction and my persistence in working to change it was grace.

And my greatest salvation has been learning to accept myself, warts and all, and to give myself the love and care I so often abandoned myself to give to others.

In my research, I also found a sub-definition of grace:

“a divinely given talent or blessing”.

Which is exactly how I’ve started to feel about my writing. Yes, I work at improving my craft, but the rest is an unsolicited gift bestowed on me in childhood. A gift that allows me to express myself, to connect with others, and to hopefully contribute in some small way to making my corner of the world a better place. A gift I am finally taking seriously, for which I am endlessly grateful.

Now that I’ve nailed down what it is, I’m more attuned to the appearance of grace in my life. The well-being I feel at its appearance borders on euphoria. I fervently wish the same for all of you.

***

Thanks for reading. As always, I welcome your comments.

GOOD STUFF

I just returned from a long weekend in San Juan. Highly recommend! A two-hour flight took me a world away, without the need for a passport. Highlights were Old San Juan (gorgeous, full of history, and so reminiscent of my beloved Spain) and a day spent lounging and being indulged at Condado Beach, watching the surf crash against the rocks. The islanders (Boricua) were uniformly friendly and lovely; an extra treat in times like these.

Once home, I swam laps for the first time in at least a year. Heaven! AND instead of ragging on myself for not being able to do as many as I once could, I congratulated myself for getting in the water two mornings in a row and giving it a go. Progress!