Lowering the Volume

From the collage exhibit at Boca Raton Museum of Art. Lack of proper attribution courtesy of my ADD.

Last week, as my vacation ended, I articulated the ways in which I wanted to recalibrate my daily life by editing some things and incorporating more of others. This week, returning to “real life” after two weeks of deep relaxation, I’ve been a bit surprised to notice just how loud and distracting the chatter in my head can be.

It might be my inner Judge Judy relitigating the past offenses of others, or my black-or-white mathematician “solving” my feelings, or good old Prudence raking me over the coals. Or it might be my PhD logistician planning: achievements that will make me worthy; remedies for contingencies that will never happen; ways to keep myself safe.

The noise can be deafening. And I’m starting to accept that, rather than another flaw to eradicate or beat myself up about, this is part of the legacy of complex PTSD and will likely be with me, at some level, until I shuffle off this mortal coil. So I was thrilled when I got quiet and heard a little voice whisper “you have tools”.

And I remembered that I do. Suddenly, for perhaps the first time, I saw the relationship between mindfulness (also known as staying present in the moment and/or pausing to remind yourself to do so as you begin to leave it) and radical acceptance (not wishing that the circumstances of your life were different). When you’re able to radically accept a situation, there’s no need to live in the past or the future.

There’s always another level, it seems. I’m happy to dig in.

Ways I Found Joy This Week

Savoring a happy hour dinner and a book at my local Italian restaurant

Spending a morning at a nearby art museum, taking in two of my favorites: collage and outsider art

Getting a chess tutorial from the CWP (the combination of ADD and brain aging mean I’m not a natural but, like any time we spend together, it was interesting and entertaining)

Catching up with a dear friend over the phone, sharing my heart and feeling reassured that I’m not a complete freak

Hitting the motherlode at my public library

Things I Learned This Week

More than I ever wanted to know about the reproductive anatomy of marsupials

About the artist Jess (born Burgess Franklin Collins), who, after working on the Manhattan Project abandoned his scientific career and went to San Francisco, where he mingled with the Beat poets and created, among other things, fabulous collages he called “paste-ups”

A bit about the nutmeg industry’s history of violent colonial exploitation

That crows wag their tails when they’re happy

Quotes That Resonated This Week

The quieter you become, the more you can hear.

Ram Dass

The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.

Tara Brach

What I Watched This Week

I’m finding myself perversely relaxed by true crime these days. As I watch, I’m thinking “this really isn’t inspiring, Christine”, but I can’t look away. This week’s two entries:

The Crash (Netflix). I found this an interesting study in parental enabling. What seemed glaring failures of good judgment to me were just business-as-usual. Also, the attempt to pin it on POTS was a howler.

Worst Ex Ever (Netflix). You know I have to watch with a title like that. I felt empathy for these victims: yes, the red flags were waving, but as so many of us tend to do, they were rationalized and only clearly recognized in retrospect.

American Symphony (Netflix). This uplifting documentary was just the ticket to cleanse my mental and spiritual palate. Details the 2022 Grammy sweep by former Colbert bandleader Jon Batiste and his selection to conduct a unique symphony at Carnegie Hall. Also follows his relationship with Suleika Jaouad (one of my favorite authors) as she goes through treatment for a recurrence of leukemia. The way both of these huge creative talents handled enormous pressures with grace, humor, and sensitivity inspired me and moved me to tears.

Euphoria (HBO). I’m in agreement with what seems to be the general consensus that Season 3 has wandered into soap opera territory, but it’s still pretty entertaining.

Remarkably Bright Creatures (Netflix). Loved this adaptation just as much as the book. Fabulous performances by both Sally Field and Lewis Pullman. Highly recommend.

What I Read This Week

Count My Lies, by Sophie Stava. A compulsive liar worms her way into the life of an attractive young family, but all is not quite as it seems. Delicious, twisty page-turner.

For the Love of Horse, by Lynn Hummer. Written by a friend of a friend, this memoir tells the story of her years rescuing horses. I learned so much about the animal, their relationship to humans, and the issues facing both wild and bred horses today. Very heartfelt.

The Wonder Test, by Michelle Richmond. After the accidental death of her husband, an FBI agent takes bereavement leave and moves back to her hometown with her son. But things have changed and something strange is going on at his elite high school.

Dear Debbie, by Frieda McFadden. Debbie is an advice columnist who appears to be losing her mind. While not highbrow literature, McFadden’s books are my favorite “good trash” (or, as a friend calls them, “mental massage”); they grab you and encourage you to rip through them in an evening as you forget everything else.

***

Thanks for reading!