No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

It’s that time again. Discussing anything related to clinical narcissism and narcissistic abuse can make me feel dangerously exposed (not to mention triggered), so it’s no surprise that I do it infrequently. I am, however, committed to both supporting those recovering from narcissistic abuse and educating those fortunate enough to know nothing about it. Because helping one person, even in a minor way, gives my experience meaning. And, you never know when the thing you learned will help someone you love.  

I’ve previously shared information here and here, and now want to address a question that is frequently asked by survivors:

What did I do to attract the narcissist?

Or, as I put it in those early, confusing days:

Am I a loser to have been so blinded by this person?

Before we proceed, my usual disclaimer: we’re not talking about someone who is merely vain or self-absorbed; we’re talking about a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Someone devoid of empathy who views their relationships with others as part of a strategic game.

Let’s begin with my emphatic statement: You are NOT, nor were you ever, a loser.

In fact, it’s your abundance of positive qualities that attracted the narcissist (and aroused their envy), including:

Your empathy. Chances are excellent that you have it in spades, and that, at a minimum, you try to live according to the golden rule. Depending on their game plan, the narcissist may have evoked your empathy in the honeymoon phase by sharing their troubles (always caused by people or circumstances beyond their control). Their assurance of your compassion and consideration is what then allowed them to proceed to the discard phase secure in the knowledge that you’d likely excuse all manner of bad behavior.

Your success. A narcissist is basically an empty shell, desperately seeking to prop themselves up in order to prevent collapse. They were attracted by your success, in whatever arena, in hopes it would reflect positively on them and provide tangible and intangible benefits.

Your attractiveness. Both your physical presentation and your ability to attract the good things in life (friends, material abundance, fun) were a strong lure for the narcissist. Again, they benefit by association.

Your conscientiousness. Knowing that you’re meticulous and determined shows the narcissist that you will be of high value to them. They can see that you’ll do more than your share, that you’ll work hard to keep them happy, that you’ll single-handedly keep the ship afloat, freeing them to pursue their own agenda.

Your love of a challenge. Your optimism and can-do attitude are a narcissist’s dream. This tells them that you will be tirelessly creative in trying to fix things once they start their manipulation and control.

Your resilience. It’s no coincidence that a high percentage of survivors have overcome some sort of trauma before meeting the narcissist. The narcissist registers this as evidence of your higher tolerance for pain and a facility for rising above painful circumstances. Of course, this is handy for them when they’re pushing you to your limit.

Three important things to remember:

Anyone can be victimized by a narcissist (not just those of us who experienced childhood trauma).

In emerging from narcissistic abuse as a ghost of your former self, you may feel that you no longer have any of the qualities listed above, but I can guarantee that you started out with them.

Education and self-awareness will allow you to reclaim and nurture these positive attributes as you heal.

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Thanks for reading. I’m always available for questions or comments.