I recently read On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good”, by Elise Loehnen. It’s a highly recommended historical and cultural investigation of how a set of rules first codified by Christianity in the fourth century became a guide to feminine virtue that we still, often subconsciously, refer to today. Loehnen’s premise--that women’s aversion to being “guilty” of one of these sins (pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth) perpetuates patriarchal dominance and prevents women from living authentically and autonomously--is compelling.
My (perhaps controversial) opinion about the Seven Deadly Sins, which you may want to take with a grain of salt given that I received an F in Religion in second grade, is that they’re bullshit. That they’re incredibly subjective and also dependent on guilt. Sure, it’s nice to be civilized and avoid the extremes of each of these manifestations of humanity. But I would argue that there are sins that are both easier to define objectively and far deadlier than these; sins that we commit chiefly against ourselves, although their effects almost always reverberate outward.
Here are my seven:
Self-hatred. Hands down the deadliest, in that it pretty much guarantees that the rest of the sins will follow. Some of us have accepted unfair verdicts issued long ago and behave in a way that reinforces those judgments and perpetuates our conviction that we are less than, bad, or otherwise undeserving. And many of us who intellectually understand that we are worthy are unaware of the ways in which our ingrained beliefs rear their ugly heads to sabotage us at the most inopportune times. Whether it’s overt or subconscious, any degree of self-hatred wreaks havoc in every area of your life.
Self-abandonment. When you don’t value yourself, you’re going to come in last every time. You’re going to accept mistreatment, fail to speak your truth, be unable to say no. There’s also a high likelihood that you’re going to be perfectionistic and driven to overachievement. The results—resentment, deferred dreams, burnout, among others—are never pretty. And this continues until you realize that no one is coming to rescue you or give you permission; that you are the one who has to step up.
Inflexibility. Black-and-white thinking, unexamined bias, and inaccurate narratives aren’t just unfair to others. While it may give us the illusion of familiarity and safety, inflexibility keeps us stuck and small. It has us using an outdated playbook that hinders us from exploring alternative ways of being. The one-two punch of entrenched reactivity and a lack of curiosity makes growth an impossibility.
Ingratitude. This one is so pernicious. A failure to be grateful for what we do have, however it may fall short of our desires, almost always leads to a focus on what we don’t have. This perpetuates a negative cycle that leads to the mistaken assumption that only happy people (“happy” defined as people who have everything they want in life) are grateful. Spoiler alert: gratitude comes first; happiness follows.
Intolerance. Lacking compassion for those who are different from you in some way is, in my book, one of the least attractive and most limiting traits a person can have. A truly self-aware person who is confident in their worth has no need for others to conform to their particular lifestyle or opinions.
Dishonesty. It might be an outright falsehood or a lie of omission, told to someone else or to yourself. It might even be “polite” or “nice” if you’re a people pleaser. In all cases, to varying degrees, you’re eroding trust, preventing true connection and self-awareness, and kicking up shame.
Sleepwalking. Sometimes there’s nothing more crucial than a restorative nap. It’s when escape (whether through denial, addiction, codependence, or frantic activity) becomes your norm that you do yourself (and often those around you) a grave disservice. In order to stay asleep, you have to sublimate huge parts of yourself. Meanwhile, everything you’re avoiding is festering, waiting to ambush you when you’re rudely awakened.
None of us are born with even a trace of or a predisposition toward these intertwining sins; they are an unwanted inheritance that we aren’t sure we can discard. Gaining the self-awareness to explore alternatives to dragging around these family heirlooms is brutally hard work. It challenges the “wisdom” received from both the people in our lives and the dominant culture.
For the majority of my life, I committed all of these sins, repeatedly (and still struggle with a few of them). Marinating in self-loathing, simmering with rage, I was blind to both alternatives and reality. Yet because I wasn’t boastful, materialistic, promiscuous, jealous, overindulgent, angry, or lazy, I considered myself a good person. As I grew, I began to evaluate myself in relation to how I used to be rather than in comparison to anyone else’s standards (and least of all to fuzzy standards arbitrarily set thousands of years ago). My experience is that this is significantly more productive, not to mention gentler. And couldn’t every sinner use a little compassion?
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Let’s talk. What do you consider a deadly sin?