Leftovers

Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate. I will once again be sharing my signature Italian dinner with the CWP on a break from her current dog sitting gig. Otherwise, it’s a Thursday. (The part of me that is blissfully grateful for that soothes the part of me that sometimes wistfully recalls gatherings of yore.)

Right on schedule, I feel myself going into the assessment mode that seems to strike me as a new year approaches. This year, though, I feel a slight difference; my thoughts feel gentler, kinder, less achievement oriented, more curious. Maybe it’s the temporary high of finishing Rising, or maybe it’s growth. Maybe time will tell.

In any case, as part of this mellowing, I’ve given myself the rest of the year to decompress. No rigid writing schedule, no forced decisions on the next book (it’s NO-vember, remember). Lots of doing whatever strikes me in the moment. Which often these days means curating and organizing my environment.

I’ve been especially drawn to papers: sorting through multiple drafts of and notes for Rising; reading through old notebooks; and consolidating assorted file folders and printouts that I’d been squirreling away in various illogical places over the last ten years. I’m uncovering so much that I’d completely forgotten (including who and how I used to be). One find was these lists that I wrote the year after my marriage ended.

What I Took When I Left My Marriage

A laundry basket full of clothes

Crushing sorrow

A short stack of books

Blame

My chronically ill teen daughter

Potentially misplaced optimism

Determination

What I Left Behind

Most of my possessions

My grown but struggling son

The outdoor oasis I’d created and savored

Our beloved dogs

The dream

My friends

His contempt

The eggshells

My victimhood

What I’m Finding

Peace

My incredible daughter

Tolerance

Gratitude

Self-love and compassion

Confidence

What I’m Learning (Oh So Slowly)

To let go: of people, of things, of being right

To trust my instincts (and never accept the easy answer)

That I need to heal myself before I can help anyone else

To practice gratitude, because there’s always something to be grateful for

To sit with difficult feelings

To live in the present

What I’ve Gained So Far

A growing bond with my daughter

Deep gratitude

Reconnection with good people

Growing self-awareness

A sex life

Time

Financial security

What I’ve Learned So Far

That wherever you go, there you are

That I’m stronger than I imagined

To never say never

That peace is possible

That there are people who love me regardless of what I can give them or do for them

That I need to concentrate way more on my side of the street

That I deserve to be happy

Who knows what leftovers I’ll find ten years from now?

Wishing everyone a fabulous long weekend.

***

GOOD THINGS

It’s still NO-vember. A few more things I’ve said no to lately: allowing someone to project their shame, negativity, and chaos onto me; my inner sloth; putting someone else’s wishes ahead of what I know is best for me; being always accessible; rationalizing to avoid feeling.

Wicked for Good. I call BS on the grinches who griped that it wasn’t as good as the first one. I had not one complaint.

An amazing Thanksgiving post. Shared by a friend, aligned with my thoughts but expressed far more articulately.

https://open.substack.com/pub/johnpavlovitz/p/10-terrible-things-to-give-thanks?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email